Boyfriend #47

Teenage girls are fickle. No, take that back. Old men are fickle. Teenage girls are something else entirely. I love my daughter, more than anything, but wow… She’s “in love” with a different boy daily (ok fine, weekly), getting her heart “broken” by online boys she hasn’t even met, and sobbing over every Prince Charming that turns out to be a toad.

That’s right, toad not frog. Because frogs are cute.

“Prince Charming” Really? What the hell did he ever do to deserve any accolades anyway—let alone the desire of every little girl, teenage dreamer and lonely woman? Seriously. Everyone talks of meeting their Prince Charming but do they really understand what that means? I keep telling the teenage girlchild not to look for the prince, but rather the frog. She doesn’t listen, thus I’m left to spew on here…

Because really, Prince Charming didn’t do squat! He lived in a castle and was dumb as a box of rocks. Major fail as a human. Stupid, lazy and, not for nothing,  often so completely retarded that they make the princess look like an idiot as well, for falling for it. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at Disney’s Princes…

The Official Prince Charming belonged to Cinderella. Eventually. Basically, the ball was nothing more than match.com for the renaissance. Rather than chasing the girls that had full profiles, he goes for the one that came into the chatroom for twenty minutes and then left. And all he has is her shoe size. When he finally gets to the house he doesn’t recognize her—because at the ball he stared into her face for how many dances and a walk through the gardens, but you take off the fancy dress and she’s that different looking?! Give me a break. He was an idiot. In the original version, he actually took the wrong girl back to the castle, not once but twice! Worthless… move on.

The Prince was Snow White’s and he was even worse! Strolling through the woods, he finds a girl in a glass coffin and decides to pop the lid and kiss her. Really?! I can’t decide if he was into necro or a wannabe rapist. He did nothing to win her over, he just found her and took her home. She’s even dumber, she went with… singing!

Then they start gaining names.

Prince Ali, er, I mean Aladdin. Yeah, total poser. Not even a prince!  Little Mermaid’s Prince Eric? Again, wrong chick. Because if the voice is the same then it must be her! Belle’s Beast I could almost forgive, except for his brutish nature and ego issues. As you see, Prince Charming, in general, is just a bad idea…

Prince Phillip, however, stands out of the crowd. Sleeping Beauty’s prince not only found the right girl, he fought for her. None of those others did anything of the sort (*ahem* mr. strollingthroughthewoodsfindsprettygirlunderglass *ahem*). Phillip slayed a dragon, survived a magical thorn forest, and beat the most wicked of wicked witches to win over his girl. He worked for that relationship.

Of course, if the girlchild actually starts dating someone named Phillip, I will absolutely bust a gut laughing—hopefully when he’s not around. But here’s to wishing that she figures out life doesn’t begin and end at 16. It isn’t hopeless or sucky without a boyfriend, and therefore she need not jump at every toad that appears. And please, please, please, dear gods of the teenage hormone, let her understand that if they whistle from the carriage rather than fight the thorns to the front door, they’re not worth kissing. Leave the toad alone and stick your feet in the cool water near the lilypads… eventually a frog will come by.

0 Responses to Boyfriend #47

  • Qweequeg says:

    I *heart* this one!!! Well done, and amen!

  • wolfnoma says:

    Good one Kelley. I have a 10 year old daughter and I feel some of your pain and can only say the I know it will get worse soon.

    But answer this small question;

    Prince Phillip showed up at a castle and slayed an evil witch who had transformed herself into a dragon, so, if this fictionary “Phillip” shows up at “Awesome House” with a longsword strapped to his waist…

    Ahhh forget it.

  • Burke says:

    Good luck with all that. :) I wish mine would have a different boyfriend because the one she has now is a lazy good for nothing that ranks right up there with prince charming!

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