Die Fluffy, Die!

attack-squirrel-pictures-bazookaClients that make me pull out my hair. Cleaning supplies that mysterious burn me when they shouldn’t. Spiders the size of my head building great masterpieces in the garage in just a few hours. And it was the fluffy little squirrel that made today’s headline…

The truck at the shop, I’m working from home today and tomorrow. I generally do that from the porch or garage, so that I can chainsmoke while I code and wait for my eyes to bleed. I was enjoying the sound of birds and taste of coffee and coding like a beast this morning when Louie showed up. Louie? Yes, because all enemies deserve to be named and it’s a nice solid name.

Now you should know, Bob hates squirrels. When I say hate, I mean with the passion of a thousand burning suns and he has a strainer, bag of peanuts & bungee cords just waiting for the little bastards. It’s an old hate. It matches an old scar on his hand. On the other hand, I’ve always thought squirrels were cute. They’re bigger and bolder than equally adorable chipmunks. I’ve tossed them food and smiled as I watched them play. I had a whole family running around here last summer that offered more than a couple laughs and some concern regarding the one with the stripped tail.

That love died this morning.

I was coding away, all happy in the garage when I peripherally caught motion by the tree. I turned in time to see Louie, the possessed possibly demonic squirrel charging me. Charging? Yes, charging. Running at a full speed, right at me.

I shooed at him loudly. He kept coming.

I jumped up to scare him. He paused… and then started up again.

I flailed my arms around and hollered and looked like a freaking moron, thinking the entire time “Puff up! Puff up! They hate that!”

He. Kept. Coming.

He finally stopped just inside the garage, about two feet away from me. I looked for something to throw at him, briefly considering both the military ammo can on the picnic table and the skateboard. He crept forward.

“Are you kidding me?!” What happened to animals fearing humans? What happened to loud noises and motion scaring them off?

Louie was having no part of it. I yelled again. And he had the balls, tiny as they may appear, to rear up on his hind legs and put up his dukes.

“Oh no, you di’int!” And I grabbed the closest thing to me, threw it with the aim only an ex slingshot champion can claim, and may have yelled some made-up version of the martial arts battle cry.

Louie ran.

I stood there. Unsure of what had just happened. I was attacked by a squirrel for pete’s sake. A squirrel! I feed them and love them and laugh at them and what do I get? I get Louie the Possessed Nut Lover.

I walked over and picked up the shiny red bundle that I had thrown at the little bastard and promptly dropped to the ground in a fit of laughter. Yes, I was attacked. Yes, he scared the crap out of me.

But I took the evil squirrel out with a rubber-banded pack of Magic Cards. My son’s 1/1 Kithkin… victorious again!

0 Responses to Die Fluffy, Die!

  • Mary S says:

    I think all martial arts battle cries are made up. :p
    And I think squirrels and birds and deer and bears are far too domestic now because they’re so used to us, and our garbage cans are so full of food, and their woodsy homes are so full of…us.

    Incidentally, I think “Puff up! Puff up! They hate that!” should be in the notebook. hee hee hee hee

  • Kevin Lucia says:

    You know, I’ve tried that whole “Puff Up” thing with the cops after getting pulled over, and it just doesn’t work. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…

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