I am an egg…

And the costume lament continues… part 2

You know what’s really cool? I lost 74 pounds in the last year… 74 pounds! I was stoked! I was shopping in the teen section and wearing girl clothes and was all kinds of excited. I read that I was actually BELOW the national average now for sizes and giggled whenever I noticed something new—oh look, a collar bone! hehe

And then I went costume shopping… because yes, we’re still working on that nightmare. Why? First I had to deal with the fact that all the costumes are slutty, and now I found out what size those sluts are! Because while I may be smaller than the national average (and according to a few WAY smaller than the local average) I am NOT “most”. As in “one size fits most”… most anorexics, maybe?!!

I joked about it last week. I tweeted about it. But do you know who “most” is? I do. I found out yesterday. “Most” is a 9 year old girl with no boobs. That’s who “most” is. Don’t believe me? HA! I took pictures!!

This is the 9 year old in an “adult, one size fits most” costume. Note that it’s snug on her waist? SHE’S NINE!!!  I have no butt, no hips, but hello… I do have a rib cage and Ra-forbid boobs. There’s no way that costume was designed for me… or anyone I know! Look at it! The waist won’t fit anyone that’s eaten since February (have a cookie honey, skeletal is a seasonal thing not a fashion) and not for nothing, but check out the top… where exactly am I supposed to fit my boobs in there?! It’s tight on the NINE year old!!

All the sexy costumes in the rant last week? Yeah, they all show these hot busty models… but they’re not “most” either, because they’re busty. What they’re wearing in the picture was designed for them, with better fabric and sized for their bodies. What’s in the package? BAH… Those costumes won’t actually fit you, especially if you have boobs. So if your fallopian tubes have actually started to work, you are SCREWED!

Who are these designers? And more importantly what are they smoking?!! I shop in the teen section for Christ’s sake, but to fit into Halloween gear I need to purchase either an Egg costume, a Whoopie Cushion costume, or a 3X plus-size camping tent costume. What. The. Fuck?!!

I hate them. I hate them all. I have been fighting the battle of the self-esteem for most of my life. I have been hard-core battling it this last year. I worked my ASS OFF (literally) to lose sizes and find my inner girl and what do I get for my troubles? AN EGG?!! I am not an egg. I am NOT a plus size. I am below average for Christ’s sake. But hey, thank you to the Halloween costume designers for helping out the egos off all the women in the country that aren’t a size 2. Really… we appreciate it.

I appreciate it so much, I’m going to make a whole sheet of mini labels with one special word on them and stick in on the costume tags right after the word “most” so that at least the sizing will make more sense to the standard shopper—“one size fits most anorexics.”  Because apparently, finding your inner girl is not enough for costume season. Oh no… You have to find your inner crack whore, become anorexic, cut off your tits and shoot heroin. THEN you can find a costume…

Unless you’re a guy. You bastards have it made. While the costume people don’t understand that all women are not built the same, they completely get that no man wants a form fitting anything. The male costumes are all flowing and large and bulky and ANY guy you know could fit into any one of them—hell, they could all wear the same costume, no problem… even with boobs!

So yeah, the costume designers can kiss my ass… my smaller than national average ass. Thanks for making us feel inadequate… again. Because the damage done to women’s psyche by Barbie and her troupe of beach bimbos was finally starting to wear off. Thank Ra someone was on top of that image destruction and put us back in our place! Bastards…

7 Responses to I am an egg…

  • Brian says:

    I don’t know that it helps, but my boobs don’t fit into any of those costumes, either.

  • Vlad says:

    Well, I bought an X-L deluxe zombii costume at WalMart a few years (and about 30 lbs) ago…put the damn thing on, moved my arms a bit, and: rrriiipppp!!!! I don’t know who those damned costumes are made for, Chinese slave laborers, I suppose.

    Never mind Halloween costumes, though, you should talk to my wife about finding a bra that actually fits. Everyone wants boobs, but if you’re bigger than a D, you can’t get a bra that fits, wtf?

  • Wolfnoma says:

    Costumes are not designed by “Practical” People. Nor does “One Size EVER Fit All”.

    All I can reckomend is that you make your own and stop supporting those ding-a-lings that design and manufacture those idiotic costumes.

    If I remember your a Corn and Beef Fed and Raised Wisconsin Girl. No way you would ever even want to think about trying on one of those Pre-Manufactured Torture outfits.

  • Lauren says:

    *Exactly* why I have made a lot of my Halloween costumes and gone to Goodwill for the others. Because I’m little but I still have boobs and butt.

  • Burke says:

    And yet another reason why I make my own costumes!!

  • PumaGoob says:

    … inner crack whore … that is the humor I love right there.

  • Pingback: If she was a whore… | Kelli Owen

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