If she was a whore…

whoreYeah, it’s Thursday, but today’s coffee talk is being pre-empted for a rant. Because I can… because I need to… because Oh My God, have you been costume shopping?!!

The last time I complained about Halloween, because it’s a type of blasphemy to do such a thing, was the year that all the stores went country. Cutsie, adorable, country-craft style decorations were everywhere. Skulls and blood, no where to be seen. I cried a little that year and feared that Halloween had Alzheimer’s and would soon be gone as we knew it. Fortunately, it was a curable disease and they fixed it the following year—it’s been in remission ever since.

New year, new rant…this time the blasphemy isn’t on my end.

As previously posted, I was going to be the Angel of Death this year. I needed just the right wings (none of that fairy crap), a nice long base dress to which I could tatter, add a touch of black and gray torn cheesecloth and some hot glued flies and a sickle and makeup, and transform into an awesomely creepy looking ghoul. Except then I went to the Halloween store…

They didn’t have a nice flowing creepy tattered dress of any type. They didn’t have anything I could tatter to get the effect. Hell, they didn’t have flowing in general, or anything close to “long”. They had a ton of costumes for women that seemed to be nothing more than rows and rows of that joke I heard not too long ago regarding this style of costume:

person 1: What is your costume? (looking it up and down, and noting the uber-short skirt and thigh-high boots and cute little webbing or spiders or Ra-forbid, glitter)

person 2: A witch…

person 1: Um yeah… if she was a whore!

Yes, that’s what the costumes are for women this year. Nothing I can make into a proper ghoul or Angel of Death or even standard banshee. Tiny, itty bitty skirts, long stockings, spike heels, oh and maybe a cute wand or handcuffs or some other accessory to go with whatever design is on the itty bitty skirt. WTF?!!

What happened to the Bride of Frankenstein? Where’s Elvira?! Even your basic witch and/or vampiress are tiny little whore skirts. Why are the classics being ignored—forgotten like red-headed stepchildren—and replaced with Sluts R Us? WHY?! These atrocities are all the exact same pattern, just different colors. And hello? You’ll be forced to ask what they are because unlike the classic creatures, you have no idea what they are. Silly, stupid names given to same-pattern-new-color, like Wood Princess or Gothic Angel or, my personal favorite, Spider Queen are not things that just jump right out and slap you as obvious. Fairy wings, hooker boots, tiny skirt… oh yeah, of course that’s a Winter fairy, or Vampire fairy, or Butterfly fairy… Even the nun outfit is tiny. And when I saw the itty bitty hooker skirt costume for a female Freddy Krueger, I threw up in my mouth a little.

I was sad. I was mad. I was depressed! I started thinking through my costumes and wondered what I could tweak, repeat, or otherwise use this year. And then I saw the mask isle. The heavens opened, the angels sang, and I had visions of one of those cute tiny little outfits being properly tweaked…with some fake eyelashes and just the right shaped lips and a touch of crackling paint effect. Oh yeah, they’re happy little slut costumes are going to be used, but not in the way the packaging intended. So scratch any previous notions of the Angel of Death, unfortunately I didn’t start on time this year, don’t have time to make a homemade one, and will save it for next year. Insert instead, an old, cracked, creepy china doll… maybe I’ll even make one of my floating eyes look like it’s stuck shut!

NOTE: After I wrote this, I looked at the prices of the little slut costumes… NOT! And I hit one more store, and scored. While they’re long, they’re pretty and not really Halloween or Horror, but I can work with the variety of Renaissance style dresses (with hoop skirts!). And they’re fairly cheap! So I’m going to pick one, dump baby powder all over it, spray my hair white, white out my face and peel my skin and be an Irish Banshee. Of course, in order to fit this year’s theme, I’ll have to tell everyone I’m an Irish Banshee SLUT… and yes, she’s a screamer! bwahahahahaha.. *cough cough* sorry, couldn’t resist. Alethea and I were howling (hahaha I did it again!) on the phone over all the slut jokes that go with being a banshee.

I want to beat the costume designers with their own amputated legs… but I still heart Halloween, and I finally have a costume!!

(continued with I am an Egg...)

5 Responses to If she was a whore…

  • Monrozombi says:

    the costumes are slutty because real sluts can wear them and people, for one night a year won’t call them sluts because “they’re in costume.” Halloween is more commercial then ever, all the costumes in stores are cute or comical, pisses me off to nth degree. If you want cute, be a slutty nurse on Valentines Day (a whole other rant that I’ll save till Feb). People need to get over themselves on Halloween and embrace it. Anyone says that they don’t like to be scared or like to see disgusting things are liars and should be flogged with a severed arm, preferably their own.

  • Brian says:

    I noticed this was becoming a theme last year; even read articles quoting parents bemoaning the fact that all of the costumes are slutty costumes, and yet they’re still buying the slutty costumes for their kids. Which is why I continue to have more and more appreciation for the homemade costumes. We still visit the costume stores for the younger kids when they want to be some kind of Star Wars character, but if I want to dress up, I usually end up compiling the costume from various bits purchased anywhere but the costume store.

    We have an interesting sort of situation here, though, in that every other store downtown is a Halloween store and people come from hours away to shop for costumes.

  • Wolfnoma says:

    The same guys that design these things are the same people responsible for the Manga Craze that is sweeping the comic book shops and Mass-Market Book Sellers today.

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