Inmates I Love

I love my family. I may have mentioned that before. I love my family because they’re insane! And I may have mentioned that before. Need proof? Ok!

pizzastoneThe aforementioned stockings at Christmas time are a prime example of the inmates of Owen Insane Asylum and why I adore them.

First rule of Christmas? Be careful what you wish for! Once I said world peace and a million dollars, and received a package of whirled peas (to plant) and enough monopoly money to open a bank. This year, the burn came from my youngest brother–for something I wasn’t expecting. I asked for a pizza stone, to cook them on? You know? Yeah… I got this. And laughed hysterically, because they got me again!

Of course, the other brother is evil every year. Evil in that fun way that makes us all look forward to what he’s got planned. And this year was no exception.

You see, occasionally, there will be  envelope in your stocking. Inside could be a clue to where a present has been hidden. Inside could be a directive (go to the freezer, pick your ice cream). Inside could be anything really… and he took that idea and ran with it. This year, David’s envelopes were clues, sorta. They were bad poems. Bad in the sense that they were purposely written to be bad, funny, weird, whatever. Such as:

Alliterally Wrote this Drunk

When last I drank a dark draft
I dreamt a disturbing dream
Where I drove down a dreary dock
to dine with a demented duck

At dinner we discussed our deepest desires
as we downed a delicate draught
the drake despaired to dive to the
deepest depths of depression

And I did dually declare,
“Oh shit! A moose!”

Yeah… that kind of demented. Oh, but we’re not done. You happen to notice the underlined letters? Yeah, at the bottom of the poem was this:     _ _ _ _  /  _ _ _  /  _ _ _ _ _

Yep, a goofy poem that is a scrambled word, that will eventually be your clue to your present. Yes, my family is insane. Yes, they are demented. Yes, I adore them to death. The rest of the Xmas Poems (because I stole everyone’s) are below for your enjoyment.

Of course, we also had christmas song fail. A suggested game of catch between a stuffed monkey and a battle axe. And the sad, sad fact that “Grandma got run over by a Scooter” is now the official family song… yes, you read that right. Old folks homes are dangerous. Scooters, Rascals and other forms of motorized transportation given to someone that doesn’t remember their own name, is dangerous. Mix the two and you have broken glasses, a cut on the nose and a new holiday sing-along! But this will be plenty long enough with the poems, so we’ll stop there and call it good.

Here’s hoping you had a lovely Christmas and have a safe and healthy New Year. I’ll be back in 2010… and my family will still be insane!

A Recently Washed Limerick

When I wrote this limerick, mommy
it was filled with words quite naughty
the words so bad
they’d make you sad
but then it fell in the laundry

This limerick that was so very dirty
spun around for an hour and thirty
now only nice to say
like “love you everyday”
and like my pants, so very purty.

Goats on the Moon

Guess it was a trick
only time will tell
all i know is this
they’re confused as well

Goats in the craters
one there on a dune
air, there is none but…
they seem fine on the moon.

Goats may have done it themselves
or maybe I had too much rum
at least one thing is true
that goats are kind of dumb.

Ode to a Sardonic Walrus

What do you do with a sardonic walrus?
Nothing, because he is a jerk.

A Nutty Love Poem
by a sociopathic squirrel

I love these nuts
they are mine
and on these nuts
i shall dine.

share them with you?
are you mad?
i’ll see you starve first
i won’t be sad.

you say they’re yours
well that’s just fine
but it doesn’t matter
now they’re mine.

i love these nuts
they are mine
did you hear me?

Aw crap. They’re plastic.

A FREE Verse Poem – Now 50% OFF

This poem isn’t very good
it doesn’t even rhyme
what do you expect for a discount poem?

Deeper Meaning

You aren’t paying me enough for that.

What, you want fancy words?
look it up.
That’s all you get
besides, your word count is filled.

Half-Ass Haiku

This is a haiku
they are a little boring
CRASH! BANG! Did that help?

Fears of a Combustible Cat
camp fires
Flint, Michigan
tire fires
protesting Buddhist monks
rocking chairs
flaming rocking chairs
flaming dogs
flaming homosexuals
spontaneous combustion
induced combustion
internal combustion
the apocalypse

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