Q&A 2017 | Buttercup of Doom 2.9

This week I answer questions from the peanut gallery in a year-end Q&A. From opinions on Flat Earth people to pot brownies to tattoos and dinosaurs, pretty much no topic is left unsullied… including the birth of #thepainofthegraze hashtag

Available FREE on: PEN Project Entertainment Network • iTunesI♥Radio  •  StitcherAndroidTune-In • Google Play Music • Overcast

Sponsors:  Subculture Corsets & Clothing (and twitter)

Merchandise: pillowssockstees, tanks, hoodies, coffee mug or stickerbeach towelphone case

Suggestions/Requests: n/a (to suggest/request use the form or post on FB)

Mentions/Shoutouts and Linky-Links: Baby It’s Cold Outside lyrics | Live Specimens | Black Bubbles

Hashtag Hell: #flatearth #pot #brownies #deanmartin #daterape #dreams #xmas #christmas #ornaments #sleepingbeauty #nutcracker #ballet #writing #dialogue #betterthings #oakisland #SSHS #classof87 #tarantino #cusack #dinosaurs #subculturecorsets #facebook #twitter #instagram #PEN #projectentertainmentnetwork #buttercupofdoom #podcast #kelliowen

Coming up: location location location – rules – little white lies – and whatever you suggest I whine about. So suggest something, already!


Happy Ho-Ho | Buttercup of Doom ep 70

This week I cover Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas, single-handedly try to destroy the Christmas Tree business, offer protective advice for dealing with family this holiday season, and I think I even snuck in something about that Elf on a Shelf thing… I covered a lot, a happy ho-ho of holiday madness, including #sorrynotsorry the xmas version!

Available FREE on: PEN Project Entertainment Network • iTunesStitcherAndroidTune-In • Google Play Music • Overcast

Sponsors:  Subculture Corsets & Clothing (and twitter) | Kelli’s Patreon

Suggestions/Requests: Andrea (to suggest/request use the form or post on FB)

Mentions/Shoutouts and Linky-Links: Elf on the Shelf, as done by Dads • Google search for Funny shelf elves

Hashtag Hell:  #seasons #christmas #xmas #santa #holiday #toys #christmastree #happyholidays #merrychristmas #waronchristmas #savetheplanet #treehugger #faith #yule #DieHard #ItsAWonderfulLife #MiracleOn34thStreet #NightmareBeforeChristmas #ChristmasStory #family #eggnog #tomandjerry #grasshoppers #holidaybooze #traditions #patreon #wednesdaywisdom #humpday #subculturecorsets #facebook #twitter #instagram #PEN #projectentertainmentnetwork #buttercupofdoom #podcast #kelliowen

Coming up: indefinite hiatus. I’ll be back…eventually… listen to your favorites, buy a book for a friend, and have a great holiday/new year!!

This Week’s Rating: PG13  buttercup ratings system info here

Balance | Buttercup of Doom ep 68


This week I discuss balance. How to bring your attitude, anger and life back to center. There’s some talk of black vs white when it’s all gray, and a little meditation any adult can appreciate. Have a listen and find out why #brokenhero and #goodvillain are even in this description!

Available FREE on: PEN Project Entertainment Network • iTunesStitcherAndroidTune-In • Google Play Music • Overcast

Sponsors:  Subculture Corsets & Clothing (and twitter)  | Kelli’s Patreon

Suggestions/Requests: n/a (to suggest/request use the form or post on FB)

Mentions/Shoutouts and Linky-Links: Fuck That: Honest Meditation • Rage Yoga • lifehack.og article “10 ways… balance” •

Hashtag Hell:   #balance #black #white #gray #hanniballector #thewalkingdead #negan #loki #maleficent #buffy #spiderman #batman #NSFW #fuckthat #meditation #apple #android #rageyoga #zen #grandma #society #goodwill #SJW #socialjusticewarrior #banned #life #stress #holidays #kitchengrazing #woga #domesticwaterfall #reacting #patreon #wednesdaywisdom #humpday #subculturecorsets #facebook #twitter #instagram #PEN #projectentertainmentnetwork #buttercupofdoom #podcast #kelliowen

Coming up: #zen #happy place #xmas …and your suggestions

This Week’s Rating: R (definitely R, for language, oh yes, not safe for work) buttercup ratings system info here

A goat, a dog and a vestal virgin

Ahhh Valentine’s Day. Flowers and cards and teddy bears and jewelry and candlelit dinners and mushy heartfelt vows of love or reassurances of continued love. Yes, I could blog about the silliness of only acting like that once a year—if you manage to pull that off—rather than showing your love through words and actions the entire year, but the Hippie would just start his v-day vs. xmas, celebration vs. singled out argument again and I don’t want to do that.

I briefly thought about covering Presidents Day (today) instead, but the history of it was boring. So I dug around trying to find a great site I saw several years back regarding v-day history… I couldn’t find it. I did, however, find some interesting tidbits—my favorite was the following.

…some claim that the Christian church may have decided to celebrate Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to ‘christianize’ celebrations of the pagan Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat called spelt throughout their interiors. Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.

Now, it’s with a grain of salt that I offer a wiki page on Lupercalia, but I do so, because this is far more interesting than greeting cards and chocolate. According to this page:

Lupercalia was a very ancient, possibly pre-Roman pastoral festival, observed on February 15 to avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility.

In Roman mythology, Lupercus is a god sometimes identified with the Roman god Faunus, who is the Roman equivalent of the Greek god Pan.[2] Lupercus is the god of shepherds. His festival, celebrated on the anniversary of the founding of his temple on February 15, was called the Lupercalia. His priests wore goatskins. The second-century Christian apologist Justin Martyr mentions an image of “the Lycaean god, whom the Greeks call Pan and the Romans Lupercus,”[3] nude save for the girdle of goatskin, which stood in the Lupercal, the cave where Romulus and Remus were suckled by a she-wolf. There, on the Ides of February, a goat and a dog were sacrificed, and salt mealcakes prepared by the Vestal Virgins were burnt.

The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog.[7] Next two young patrician Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh.

Of course, because I’m me and me is warped, that last line made me bust a gut—as I imagined an ancient Greek stage director, robes and sandals, etc., on the side of the ceremony holding up a placard that said “smile and laugh.”

My sick humor aside, this is all quite fascinating and think it would be fun to play along. I fully get the idea of keeping away the evil spirits and cleansing the house. As diverse as we may be in this country, we still, occasionally, do that within our belief systems. Whether it’s your family priest/minister purifying a new home or a stick of sage and any of a variety of pagan mumblings—and I’m overdue on the sage burning. I’m not sure where to find vestal virgins, how to make their baked goods, and the logistics and legalities of sacrificing critters… but I’m thinking a muffin and nice steak should suffice, and I’ve got two virgins in the house that I can give the chore of burning the muffin—they like fire, they’ll be all over that!

So since I have never been much of a fan of Valentine’s—aka forced love once a year and standardized gifts decided on by the highest bidder and marketing gods—and I’m not a fan of winter, I think I’ll celebrate Lupercalia and the coming of spring with a lovely little purification of salt & flour around the house. The rest of you enjoy your chocolates.

Inmates I Love

I love my family. I may have mentioned that before. I love my family because they’re insane! And I may have mentioned that before. Need proof? Ok!

pizzastoneThe aforementioned stockings at Christmas time are a prime example of the inmates of Owen Insane Asylum and why I adore them.

First rule of Christmas? Be careful what you wish for! Once I said world peace and a million dollars, and received a package of whirled peas (to plant) and enough monopoly money to open a bank. This year, the burn came from my youngest brother–for something I wasn’t expecting. I asked for a pizza stone, to cook them on? You know? Yeah… I got this. And laughed hysterically, because they got me again!

Of course, the other brother is evil every year. Evil in that fun way that makes us all look forward to what he’s got planned. And this year was no exception.

You see, occasionally, there will be  envelope in your stocking. Inside could be a clue to where a present has been hidden. Inside could be a directive (go to the freezer, pick your ice cream). Inside could be anything really… and he took that idea and ran with it. This year, David’s envelopes were clues, sorta. They were bad poems. Bad in the sense that they were purposely written to be bad, funny, weird, whatever. Such as:

Alliterally Wrote this Drunk

When last I drank a dark draft
I dreamt a disturbing dream
Where I drove down a dreary dock
to dine with a demented duck

At dinner we discussed our deepest desires
as we downed a delicate draught
the drake despaired to dive to the
deepest depths of depression

And I did dually declare,
“Oh shit! A moose!”

Yeah… that kind of demented. Oh, but we’re not done. You happen to notice the underlined letters? Yeah, at the bottom of the poem was this:     _ _ _ _  /  _ _ _  /  _ _ _ _ _

Yep, a goofy poem that is a scrambled word, that will eventually be your clue to your present. Yes, my family is insane. Yes, they are demented. Yes, I adore them to death. The rest of the Xmas Poems (because I stole everyone’s) are below for your enjoyment.

Of course, we also had christmas song fail. A suggested game of catch between a stuffed monkey and a battle axe. And the sad, sad fact that “Grandma got run over by a Scooter” is now the official family song… yes, you read that right. Old folks homes are dangerous. Scooters, Rascals and other forms of motorized transportation given to someone that doesn’t remember their own name, is dangerous. Mix the two and you have broken glasses, a cut on the nose and a new holiday sing-along! But this will be plenty long enough with the poems, so we’ll stop there and call it good.

Here’s hoping you had a lovely Christmas and have a safe and healthy New Year. I’ll be back in 2010… and my family will still be insane!

A Recently Washed Limerick

When I wrote this limerick, mommy
it was filled with words quite naughty
the words so bad
they’d make you sad
but then it fell in the laundry

This limerick that was so very dirty
spun around for an hour and thirty
now only nice to say
like “love you everyday”
and like my pants, so very purty.

Goats on the Moon

Guess it was a trick
only time will tell
all i know is this
they’re confused as well

Goats in the craters
one there on a dune
air, there is none but…
they seem fine on the moon.

Goats may have done it themselves
or maybe I had too much rum
at least one thing is true
that goats are kind of dumb.

Ode to a Sardonic Walrus

What do you do with a sardonic walrus?
Nothing, because he is a jerk.

A Nutty Love Poem
by a sociopathic squirrel

I love these nuts
they are mine
and on these nuts
i shall dine.

share them with you?
are you mad?
i’ll see you starve first
i won’t be sad.

you say they’re yours
well that’s just fine
but it doesn’t matter
now they’re mine.

i love these nuts
they are mine
did you hear me?

Aw crap. They’re plastic.

A FREE Verse Poem – Now 50% OFF

This poem isn’t very good
it doesn’t even rhyme
what do you expect for a discount poem?

Deeper Meaning

You aren’t paying me enough for that.

What, you want fancy words?
look it up.
That’s all you get
besides, your word count is filled.

Half-Ass Haiku

This is a haiku
they are a little boring
CRASH! BANG! Did that help?

Fears of a Combustible Cat
camp fires
Flint, Michigan
tire fires
protesting Buddhist monks
rocking chairs
flaming rocking chairs
flaming dogs
flaming homosexuals
spontaneous combustion
induced combustion
internal combustion
the apocalypse


This year I got presents from NBC’s Sally, Edgar Allan Poe, Trogdor, Lycos and Nicky (for no particular reason on that last one.) These were in my stocking.

Because in my family, stockings equals insanity.

The point to stockings isn’t fruit or coal, small toys and toothbrushes, like it may have been when we were children. Oh no. Now it’s insane, odd, weird and wonderful items that you find for your brothers, sister, parents, etc that scream “I’m so completely off the wall you should give me to X.” And they’re made even odder by the gift tags. You see, none of them come from anyone in the room. Well, they do, but not according to the tags. In theory, the tags are a clue to what’s inside from someone else, i.e. a chocolate bar with a million dollar wrapper would be from Donald Trump. Get it? Glittery make-up would be from Lady Gaga. Get it? Ok then…

I know, it’s strange and silly, but hey, that’s our family. And while I head off to take a nap and get ready for another 19 hours on the road (but yay! home in on the other end!), why not pass the coffee cup around… that’s right, it’s a christmas coffee talk!!  So what crazy traditions does your family have for Christmas? For that matter, if there’s nothing crazy, what traditions do you have in general. And I don’t mean stockings or ham, I mean those odd little things that make it Christmas for you. Would it still be Christmas if Uncle Ernie didn’t wear that older-than-god Santa hat and chase all the young kids around growling at them? Would it still be Christmas if grandma didn’t make her “special” eggnog? Yeah, those things… what makes Christmas for you? And so help me Gawd, don’t even try to say family, friends, good wishes, giving, or any of that other Hallmark crap!

Now excuse me, there’s a nap in order…so that I may fight old man winter, a few blizzards, some freezing rain and oh joy, ice pellets to get home for Christmas part 2. Merry HoHo, everyone!!!

Subscribe for Updates

*New Release*

click cover to buy on Amazon

Travel Plans

—· Scares that Care ·—
August 2-4, 2019

—· Killer Con ·—
tba 2019

—· Merrimack Valley Halloween Book Festival ·—
tba 2019