…or Ten Reasons for Zombiegeddon
A Tongue-in-Cheek Plea for the Survival of Humanity
by AmyLyn Vause
*author’s note* I realize the following comes with a variety of holes, unrealistic expectations and no means to back up any argument I put forth. That’s the point. Zombies need not worry themselves about logic, nor are they able to reason—and what they don’t know will surely benefit us! Kick back and turn your brain off for a moment. ~A
Let’s face it, the world is overrun with humans. Just about every corner of the world has at least a trace of proof that humanity has either settled or was once settled there. We are believed to be the most advanced and dominant species known to exist on Earth. While we may be forced to remove ourselves from the planet once its resources have been grossly depleted, an apocalypse of the undead variety would surely slow things down and allow us all a moment to contemplate just where we could go and how to get there!
Reason 1: Population Control
Society has crumbled. All we have left are the skeletons of once-proud cities, towering skyscrapers, bridges that once promised a new world on the other side. Roads will have been cordoned by cars smashed and beaten, not by hordes of zombies but by hordes of stampeding humans attempting to flee from the menace of the former.
How do we escape becoming the next meal for the undead when they are wandering everywhere in the streets and shuffling about in the hallways of our empty buildings?
Zombies do not eat—at least not the same thing a living human eats. Their exotic palates give them a strong hankering for human flesh (and nonhuman flesh, depending on the type of undead we are dealing with). With little else to drive them onward, these shambling corpses will ignore any and all edible resources most commonly consumed by their living cousins, extending the planet’s resources for countless generations before the need to withdraw ever comes.
Just think, the need for oil and gas would swiftly diminish to a scant hundred families as the vast majority of humans have already been either devoured or have become part of the undead collective—I doubt the dead would have the motor skills necessary to drive a vehicle, let alone hail a taxi. Crops could be grown closer to human settlements with little worry of pesticide—who would think about pesticide during a time like this?—and wildlife, penned up or let loose to roam free in their natural habitats, could multiply for a nigh-limitless source of human sustenance.
With a majority of the human population already dead, what’s to keep the remainder of humanity from thriving?
Just…be sure to avoid the cities.
Reason 2: Suppression of Human Violence. Mostly.
During the first few days of a zombie outbreak, do not expect people to be readily organized and prepared to fight the zombie menace. By the time this undead plague becomes a worldwide pandemic, there will be far too much confusion and speculation of its causes, leaving no time for an established procedure on zombie extermination. However, as numbers begin to dwindle and the human collective slowly succumbs to an increasing undead populace, Humanity’s will to fight the undead will begin to change to one of survival and the continuation of a—hopefully living—species.
With little choice but to get along for the sake of survival, human populations will begin banding together, putting aside their differences to survive this new crisis. After all, to kill the living would mean putting more undead on the battlefield, and who wants to be outnumbered by something that is already past its due date?
It will no doubt take multiple generations until the zombie menace can finally be eliminated from the planet. By this time, humanity will have forgotten its past transgressions against one another and will have already been instilled with the desire for a peaceful coexistence, if only to survive and prosper in a changed world.
Reason 3: World Unity and Peace
Speaking of a changed world, wouldn’t it be nice if our children and grandchildren witnessed the miracle of unity and world peace? Much of our culture—indeed, a majority of cultures around the world—are too caught up in petty squabbles to put much thought into the heyday of love-not-war. Who has time when there are cell phones and interwebs and television and Call of Duty? Who wants to talk when stabbing people with rusty forks and heavy artillery is so much more fun?
Don’t get me wrong. That shit sounds awesome. Truth be told, whether we want it or not, peace is inevitable when you have a zombie horde equal to the population of five Chinas against maybe a few thousand (and I’m being kind) human survivors. Unless our entire race went apeshit and decided to let the zombies have their choice pickings off what’s left of our withering flesh, we’d better put aside our differences so we can, you know, keep living.
Sure, by the time the war is over, we’ll have destroyed a majority of the planet, our population will be only a few hundred (again, I’m being kind!) and much of our government order will be down the drain—but what a winding drain of possibilities it could be.
Reason 4: A Change in Government Power
What’s a common citizen to do when their own leaders fail to protect them? Do we strike up a civilian-led revolution against the undead? A military bureaucracy? Do we elect the still-standing Statue of Liberty as our new sovereign and dwell within her hollow shell? All joking aside, it would be a safe bet that, no matter what new type of leadership we create for ourselves, it will have cleanly wiped the slate off our current Democratic-versus-Republican-versus-Communist-versus-Parliament-versus-Cthulu rules and regulations, merging as first a singular nationwide rule and, finally, coming together as a world government bent on sending those nasty deadheads back where they came from.
Even forced unity and peace, once thought impossible for all the different beliefs, age and language barriers, are two factors that would undoubtedly benefit the survival of the human race. Without it, chaos and death will claim the planet and all on it, leaving little to no hope of an eventual escape from the relentless undead. Government preparation in the event of war with the walking corpses is almost nil, most recently taken up as a widespread tongue-in-cheek concoction on the world wide web (hi). Were the zombie apocalypse to happen today, much of what we know of the American government, and governments throughout the world, would join the rest of us surprised citizens and run away, scared stupid of this seemingly impossible feat of the supernatural.
Imagine the president’s eyes when he sees long-dead soldiers of the Civil War suddenly rise from their graves, feasting on a seemingly endless supply of state representatives. Anyone with a brain would turn tail and run, and this is exactly what the government is bound to do once zombies have completely engulfed the surrounding and affiliated administrative facilities.
Without all the squabble of our current administration—and who would have time to squabble when the existence of humanity has suddenly become jeopardized?—we need not worry about the dirty politics of election season or the personal drama of our leaders.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Reason 5: Physical Health (or, Only the Fit Survive)
Darwin’s theory on evolution has it right: if hordes of the undead are banging at your front door, who do you think is more likely to survive, the lazy couch potato or the avid golf player? Answer: neither, unless that golfer has one hell of a swing. In all seriousness, it will require an incredible amount of energy, muscle work, and endurance to survive the zombie apocalypse. It would make sense that a majority of those least likely to participate in physical activities would be lost in the initial wave. Those that make it will no doubt be pushing to match pace with those who were more active.
Anyone wanting to shed some weight and lose a little flab can simply walk outside and go for a run. Nothing says motivation like a giant horde of zombies ready to chase you down for a little chow time. Get those feet moving. Climb that tree. And for Pete’s sake, remember to stretch those hamstrings before you go out.
Granted all of this may not bode well if you wind up getting tackled by the newly-undead Dallas Cowboys—or your choice of sports team. I’m more a Philadelphia Flyers girl, so I should probably stay away from icy ponds and skating rinks. In any case, who would want to pass up the opportunity to become like a favorite sports star? How about a super model with rock-hard abs and better-fitting pants? Motivator and self-esteem booster all in one.
Which leads us to…
Reason 6: Mental Health
Anger issues? No problem.
Depression or anxiety? Easy.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Got it.
How about schizophrenia?
Whatever mental and emotional trauma you may have once had or currently suffer from, beating the living dead back into the ground can surely remove the heaviest burdens off your back—unless you have a zombie climbing on you, then be sure to reference reason five—in a matter of minutes.
Exercise has been a proven method of increasing serotonin—a chemical in the brain linked to a variety of mental disorders. The more serotonin pumped into your body, the better you feel. Think of it as a natural “upper”. What better exercise is there to work your muscles, keep your heart pumping, and those lungs working, than bashing a zombie in the head with a wooden club? Not only will you feel the burn, you will feel better for having rid the world of one more of the undead. Feeling useful is a good way to achieve self-confidence. Feeling confident in yourself will provide you with the vital means to survive longer and prosper in a world teeming with the risen dead.
Reason 7: Getting Back in Touch with Nature
Nature has always provided an answer to some of our most common concerns. If we are low on food, we may hunt for its meat. A full-grown buck could provide a meal for an entire family, if not more. What of water? Vegetables and fruits? Grains? Shelter? Clothing? All those things are provided for you if you just get back in touch with nature.
Just think: clean air, chemical-free food and water, the fresh smell of daises (when you can smell them over the pungent smell of dead flesh, which will surely overwhelm any highly-populated area). Face it, the less populated an area is before the zombie apocalypse, the better.
Reason 8: Geeks, Freaks and Nerds of the World – A New Breed of Hero?
No longer will muscled men with big swords and flowing hair, or amazon women with huge boobs be looked upon for the protection of humankind, nor will big guns and bombs be the solitary means for a permanent end to the undead’s rule. For once, it will be brains, not brawn, that will surely win the day.
Hours of slaughtering pixelated zombies in arcades, tirelessly watching the onslaught of hundreds of neighborhoods in a cinematic zombie onslaught was a means for our preparation to survive.
A chance for the freaks of the world to prove they have what it takes to save the day. No longer will we be judged for our superior intelligence and eccentric tastes. On the day of a zombie apocalypse, we will be the ones the common man will be looking to for guidance. For we will be the experts on the circumstances surrounding the rise of the dead and the need for their immediate execution.
Reason 9: Medical Advancement
After years and years of fighting the zombie menace, much of what is left of the human resistance will be wondering about that supposed “cure” many of the mighty geeks have been boasting about. With the arrival of a cure to eliminate the undead—or at least something to end whatever keeps the dead from continually rising—there will no doubt be countless other discoveries in the world of medicine, also developed in musty labs throughout the world.
Imagine the world free of cancer.
Imagine a world free of heart disease and kidney failure.
Imagine a world free of morning breath and itchy scalps.
These and many other common ailments to the human race could be easily wiped out if a scientific answer to the undead’s reign can be found. If one can keep the dead from rising again, then prolonged human life is just around the corner, right?
Reason 10: Starting Over
Ah, peace at last. The world has eliminated the zombie threat through the combined forces of science and brutality. We breathe a sigh of relief as one nation, one world, and look around at the destruction wrought by our supernatural foes. And yet, we have survived. We have overcome our differences, fought alongside our in-laws, and the annoying lady with the pink poodle and long armpit hair. We’ve battled alongside our former government party opponent and gave a helping hand to that bratty rich kid who lives on 40th Street.
Together, we have won the war. Together, we will rebuild the world and make it a better, zombie-free world.
Together, we will start over and build our lives up again.
AmyLyn Vause (aka: SpicyPixi) is a writer living in Philadelphia suburbs. She is currently working on her first full-length novel, as well as a collection of short stories to be released later this year. In her downtime, she enjoys pestering her husband and napping with their rescue cat, Path.
Thank you, Amy =) Interested in doing a guest blog? Contact me.
*Guest blog fine print: the opinions and ideas expressed in this, or any, guest blog, do not necessarily reflect the opinions or ideas of Kelli Owen. She merely provided a vehicle for the author of said guest blog to post their happy sexy words.
The internet is a strange strange thing. Social media makes it even stranger. You can plan and plot how to expose something new and get no buzz. You can ask a question you really want to know the answer to and get nothing. And then you can say something completely random and your feed explodes. Makes. No. Sense.
So welcome to No Sense Thursday.
Today’s question: what makes your feed trend? What bizarre thing can you discuss, question, or otherwise mention that gets the most feedback, responses and attention? Because it isn’t what you want it to be. I’ve been watching everyone’s feed and have learned, it rarely is. Examples you say? Why certainly… (and yes, please, feel free to follow anyone I may mention in this particular blog)
My personal favorite for the week — saw this the other day, and it sums this up perfectly. @steveniles (Steve Niles) summed it up well with “I say ‘good morning’ and lose three followers. I’ll try ‘fuck you’ tomorrow and see what happens.”
@marysangiovanni (Mary SanGiovanni) twittered a cthulu emoticon /\(;,,;)/\ and it was the number one most re-tweeted thing she’s ever posted. Also popular are her tweets regarding cannibalism and NJ traffic… she writes books she’d like you care about too =)
@natesouthard (Nate Southard) has random squawks of pointless rage get the most response. He’s declared this is either a terrible commentary on the population or the golden secret of working in the horror small press—take your pick.
@Nukegumby (Michael Huyck) has a wide range of popular tweets, from funny to sarcastic to accidentally motivational. Yes, accidentally motivational. No rhyme. No reason.
@bobford (Robert Ford) can say something truly horrific about midgets and gains followers—if I said the same thing I would not only lose followers, I would get hate mail (justifiably so). He proclaims hatred of all things Michigan while driving through there and gains followers. I say it’s cold and lose 10.
@DaveThomas76 (Dave Thomas) past a lot of things, but if it’s about booze (aka: “Is it too early to drink scotch?” or “Martinis: so much more than a breakfast drink”), people always seem to chime right in. He wonders if his followers are functioning alkies too =)
me @kelli_owen ? Yeah… I post comments about the dayjob, my books, crazy news tidbits… mostly to my following of loyal crickets. But the moment I say anything remotely lesbian or sexual in general, especially to one of my female friends, I’ve got everyone’s attention.
It’s strange. What will grab someone’s attention is so bizarre. Anger, humor, cruelty — very popular. So, the question is… What strange non-important topic do YOU twitter about that makes your feed explode? As an experiment, feel free to answer here, but also and more importantly, answer in twitter by posting a link to this (or just retweet the tweet that got you here) and hashtag your answer in the tweet if possible. It will be like a meme and a hashtag had an illegitimate lovechild… (feel free to copy and paste this and fill in the blank)
RT: @kelli_owen Fun Blog: #trending http://wp.me/p2tbLH-X5 answer: #_______